Dear Zad: Awkward boyfriends, discovering your inner top, and changing your man
Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Submit your problems anonymously using the box below!
Je***n from Lansing, Michigan writes:
My friends and I do a large brunch every weekend, and at each one my boyfriend gets up and announces that he“has to go potty.” At first I found it annoying, but now I’m embarrassed because it is becoming an inside joke between my other friends. What is the proper thing to say, or is it too late to say anything? Should I ignore it and just deal with my friends’ side eyes?
Hello my dear Jefferson!
Since we can safely assume that your boyfriend has just recently accomplished the milestone task of potty-training, show him how proud you are!
As a homosexual male, it is your civic duty to incite unnecessary chaos whenever possible, so the next time he announces that he has to go potty midway through his Eggs Benedict, why not have a fresh diaper pre-prepared for him? (If you’re a bottom, simply bring one along in your bookstore tote bag.) When the diaper is in his hands, complete the tableau by saying “just in case – every potty-trained big boy makes a little tinkle mistake sometimes.”
Will he start a very public fight with you on the street in front of the bar? Hundred percent. Will the incident make you stronger as a couple? Who’s to say! That will depend on whether he’s a normal person or if he will let his unresolved gay trauma take centre stage.
But one thing is for certain – your friends will worship the ground you walk on for the rest of eternity, and to be honest if your boyfriend won’t settle for a good ole blow-j as reparations than I say good riddance. He and his Old Navy flag tee will be very happy together.
Your Zad @joshmayhewnyc
Carlton in Montreal writes:
I have been an exclusive bottom for my boyfriend for the past year. Lately I have been in this state of mind where I want to top more, but my boyfriend will not have it at all whatsoever. Should I just deal with it in order to keep things the way they’ve been? Is that the safer option in order to keep the peace?
Here’s the deal, sweetie baby: Couples actually talking about sex can sometimes feel like the Friends reunion on HBO Max: it was bound to happen eventually, but it is still the most uncomfortable thing you’ve ever had to sit through.
That said, the issue here isn’t really about who is the one getting their canoe shellacked, it’s about who is interested enough to compromise. Part of what makes relationships possible is doing shit that ain’t always our favourite. We don’t have to be perfectly comfortable 150% of the time, boys! And while he may not be willing to man up, clean out, and get his goddamn pan greased now… trust me when I tell you that the built up resentment will f*ck him way harder in the end.
You are entitled to getting what you give; if he wants you to stay open for business, he’s gonna have to stop putting that ass on layaway before you file Chapter 11 on his ass.
Your Zad @joshmayhewnyc
T***as in Boca Raton writes:
My boyfriend is nearly perfect, but he dresses like a 14 year old kid. I know this seems like it wouldn’t be a deal breaker, but we are talking oversized cargo shorts and band t-shirts. How do I change this, or is it wrong to “want to change someone” over something like this? SOS ZAD!!
Although many of The Gays would ceasefire on a man who dresses like a PAC SUN shift leader named Kellan, you may have more say than you think you do. I fully believe that you are well within your rights to use your beautiful homosexual wiles to brainwash a man as a means for personal gain.
Think about it: what is the one thing that can control a man? Yep, that’s right. Dick and butthole. USE. THEM. CHILD. Every time he wears something that feels more “adult” and less “my mom just dropped me off at Tower Records to buy a Blink-182 wall poster” tell him he looks sexy and then fu*k his brains out. I’m not saying to withhold sex every time he wears cargo shorts … that would be wrong… but I’m not ~NOT~ saying it either.
If you can train him to believe that he’ll get a one-way ticket to Poundtown whenever he ditches the tie-dye for a suit and tie, you may just find out that the cargo shorts start miraculously disappearing one by one. And you’ll be just the sweetie baby who will give him a hand, in all the ways.
Your Zad @joshmayhewny
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Josh is on Instagram @joshmayhewnyc