​​5 straight-up gay ways to… do a staycation.

​​5 straight-up gay ways to… do a staycation.

 

Author: Mark Bittlestone 

 

With COVID still raging throughout the world, this summer you might have had to settle for va-gay in your home country.

 

Full disclosure, I’ve just been on a gay-cation in Devon (southwest England), so this week’s blog is semi (in that I have a semi)-autobiographical. As a reminder, I’m sure straight people go on holiday (?), but this blog isn’t about them, it’s a GAY blog for GAYS about GAY stuff.

 

Here are my top five tips for a successful vacation – the gay way! 

 

1) Road trip.

Road trippin’

Some good ways to make this #gay include: playing Britney at full voume, especially when you’re pulled up at the lights; giving your friend(s) a handjob(s) in the back of the car; saying “are we there yet?” every 10 minutes and screaming at your navigator for taking you on a route that slowed your gay speed down by 5mph. I sort of combined all of these when we drove down to Devon last week by going out to Heaven (the entry-level gay bar in London) until 5am the night before we left (because I’m a #legend). So for the entire journey I proceeded to be a miserable wretch who contributed nothing: story of my life.

 

 

2) Visit the seaside.

Naked below this btw

There is so much gay opportunity at the seaside. From budgie smugglers to pink sunglasses to shrieking at the temperature of the water – the seaside is a veritable gay orgy (gorgy). Some of my worst traits at the seaside include: making it painfully obvious that I’ve gone into the sea for the express reason of doing a pee by literally squatting as I enter the water, then screaming “who the fuck has done that?”. And if there is a grain of sand on anything I own, and deliberately massacring my seemingly well-meaning attempt to change out of trunks without showing anything by showing everything.  

 

 

3) Booze.
 
Can you tell we’re drunk?
 
So you might be lucky and live in a country or region where there is generally good weather, but if you are on staycation in Britain, chances are it’ll rain all week. Sure, you can play board games or have sex (if you have someone to have sex with; I hate you if so) but realistically it’s gonna be booze o’clock pretty soon. I tend to drink lager because I’m a #lad but I #MakeItGay by saying things like “I hate football” and “I don’t find women attractive” and “I’m drinking this ironically” before every gulp.
 
 
4) Third wheeling.
 
Guess the couples
 
On the trip I’ve just been on, my brother, in his infinite wisdom, invited four couples. So in effect he ninth wheeled them for the duration of the trip. To give him credit, he threw himself into this with gusto, getting hammered every night, taking his clothes off at every available opportunity and deliberately walking into couples’ rooms when they were having sex. Fair play to him.
 
 
5) Arguments.
 
How can you argue in a place like this? (Easily)
 
So you’re stuck in a house with too many people (I slept on a camp bed all week – I mean the fold up ones not just a bed that was camp because I was in it) and bad weather has forced you indoors. Chances are there’s gonna be some arguments. The key is: embrace them and be tactical. If you’re going to do chores, do them early and be very vocal about them. On the first day I like to do something simple like unload the dishwasher but INCREDIBLY LOUDLY and then refer back to it whenever anything comes up. It’s also handy to have leverage over people. I knew bombshell secrets about two or three individuals on our trip so could blackmail them come argument time. DM me for more advice on this.
 
 
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