5 straight-up gay ways to… do a staycation.
Author: Mark Bittlestone
With COVID still raging throughout the world, this summer you might have had to settle for va-gay in your home country.
Full disclosure, I’ve just been on a gay-cation in Devon (southwest England), so this week’s blog is semi (in that I have a semi)-autobiographical. As a reminder, I’m sure straight people go on holiday (?), but this blog isn’t about them, it’s a GAY blog for GAYS about GAY stuff.
Here are my top five tips for a successful vacation – the gay way!
1) Road trip.
Some good ways to make this #gay include: playing Britney at full voume, especially when you’re pulled up at the lights; giving your friend(s) a handjob(s) in the back of the car; saying “are we there yet?” every 10 minutes and screaming at your navigator for taking you on a route that slowed your gay speed down by 5mph. I sort of combined all of these when we drove down to Devon last week by going out to Heaven (the entry-level gay bar in London) until 5am the night before we left (because I’m a #legend). So for the entire journey I proceeded to be a miserable wretch who contributed nothing: story of my life.
2) Visit the seaside.
There is so much gay opportunity at the seaside. From budgie smugglers to pink sunglasses to shrieking at the temperature of the water – the seaside is a veritable gay orgy (gorgy). Some of my worst traits at the seaside include: making it painfully obvious that I’ve gone into the sea for the express reason of doing a pee by literally squatting as I enter the water, then screaming “who the fuck has done that?”. And if there is a grain of sand on anything I own, and deliberately massacring my seemingly well-meaning attempt to change out of trunks without showing anything by showing everything.