5 straight-up gay ways to… do Christmas Parties
Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
Full disclosure I’m a comedian who tutors as a side hustle and I have never worked in an office or been to an office Christmas party… BUT I have a rich, gay imagination and I can imagine what you suited homos get up to beneath the mistletoe. ALSO just a message to say it has been a really joyous year of blogs so thank you for supporting my blog and the Glue Magazine and festive cheer to you all . Here are my top five tips…
1) Fuck the other office gay.
You were the only gay in the office. You ruled the roost. You owned the water cooler, knew how the HR lot took their tea and flirted with EVERYONE. And then, disaster struck. Earlier this year a YOUNGER, hotter, gayer version of you arrived in the office. Extreme nightmare. Now the only way to defuse the situation is to get with him. And it’s happening this December at the Christmas party. Just accept it.
2) Fuck an office “straight”.
I’ve written about no homo bro encounters before in this very blog (I’ve had loads ) but you know the deal. There’s a straight office hottie who you’ve always suspected isn’t as “straight” as his wife of 15 years and 3 young children would suggest (lol). He falls into one of two categories: he’s either super touchy feely around you or very awkward. Either way, a bit of wine and Mariah Carey brings out the gay like nothing else. Make ya move gal.
3) Organise it.
This is a very gay move. Everyone else fuck off, I’M ORGANISING THE CHRISTMAS PARTY. You’ve got yourself a clipboard, an earpiece and an assistant (probably the other gay from point 1) and it’s your mission not just to organise the party, but, more importantly, to make sure everyone knows you’re organising it. Everything has to be perfect, from the cock-shaped vodka luge to the cock-shaped pigs in blankets to the cock-shaped Christmas tree to the cock-shaped stocking….wait….Christmas is….gay??
4) Get trashed and slag everyone off.
This is arguably the gayest option on the list. You detest the way Becky from accounts can’t fucking spell your name properly in her emails. John from HR reeks of BO tbh. Michael doesn’t wipe his arse. You’re not sure how you know the last one but you just do. And tonight is the night to publicly shame them in front of everyone, then try and get with your boss, vomit on the figgy pudding (is that a thing?) and pass out on top of the printer (offices have those). Central to all of this though is to pretend the next day that literally NOTHING happened.
5) Skip it and watch Die Hard.
The Grinch definitely gives me gay man energy, so this is very in keeping with our aesthetic. The Omicron variant gives you an oven-ready excuse to skip the Xmas party (if it’s not been cancelled already). You can recreate all the good elements at home (booze, food) without the shit ones (getting stuck with Gerald from finance, people generally). I understand that Die Hard is controversial as an Xmas movie, and a gay one at that, but it’s actually good and young Bruce Willis is a dish so it’s my Xmas recco .