5 straight-up gay ways to… do Christmas
Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
‘Tis the season to be…GAY!!! This is a gay blog for gays about gay stuff. If you’re wondering how to be gay properly as we approach the festive season, then this is for you! Here are my top 5 tips…
1) Gay Scrooge.
So although Christmas is the time for cheer and goodwill(y) to all men (people to be correct) etc etc, it’s also VERY gay to be all ‘bah, humbug’ about it. Nothing is gayer than the gay uncle in the corner on Christmas Day complaining about the Brussel sprouts, the dry turkey, and the lack of anal sex he’s had all year. So if you want to be a horrible, moody, selfish prick this Christmas season, remember it’s very in keeping with your sexuality. After all, Scrooge himself was definitely gay*.
2) Gay Santa.
Or you can do the opposite and be a lovely, generous gay. Like all gay men, I am an uncle, and I involve myself in none of the bad parts of my nephews’ and nieces’ lives and all of the good parts. I intend, as I do every year, to do far better than their parents’ pathetic attempts at presents, thus ensuring their love for another 365 days. I also am a gay Santa in the sense that for 10 years now I have played the role of actual Santa at our family gathering, which is somewhat absurd because I can’t grow any facial hair and I look like I’m 12 years old. Honestly though, my family will believe anything: they believed I was straight for YEARS, so….
3) Gay Elf.
So I don’t really have anything for this but I wrote it down so I suppose I’m committed to it now. I guess the Gay Elf is somewhere between the Gay Scrooge and the Gay Santa: he wants to embrace the Christmas Spirit but he’s in too bad of a mood about the fact he has nothing to be mad about now Britney is free. The Gay Elf would do things like buy a family member a really expensive present before realising that this would then set the bar too high for the rest of their presents so return it before buying everyone something in what I call the ‘dildo range’ (£14-18, that’s how much good ones cost!).
4) Gay Sherry.
It’s been a pretty tough 2 years, so just get pissed. December is fucking ridiculous to be honest. Is it even a month? Not really, it’s more of an extended weekend. I have about 7 events already where I know I’m going to get so drunk that I text people I haven’t seen in ages saying ‘we should catch up’ and ‘what are you up to these days?’ and ‘sorry I had 19 bottles of wine last night and texted you those messages, I don’t actually want to see you at all, merry Christmas though!’.
5) Gay Xmas Pudding.
There’s nothing gayer than stuffing yourself….with….Christmas Pudding! Haha! I really meant cock! Did you get it? Again, as per point 4, it’s been a horror show of a year so I really think you should feel free not to hold back. Traditionally in the period 24-31 Dec I eat so much that I physically can’t fall asleep before 3am, before repeating the process again the next day. Bring it on (I also watch the Kirsten Dunst cheerleading movie Bring It On, because I’m gay).