5 Straight Up Gay Ways to…have a relationship
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
He’s on social media too! Follow Mark on Instagram here
Chances are most of us were exposed to a straight relationship pretty much from birth (poor us). If you’ve watched TV or read books or been to school or read Hello! magazine (come on I know you have), then you know all about straight relationships. But try, as establishment gays might, to pretend that gay relationships are just like straight ones, they’re not, honey. Here’s some proper GAY ways to be in a relationship.
1) Pet names.
Please don’t use “other half” (vomit-inducing), “mrs” (borrowing from the sexist hetero playbook) or, obviously, “ball and chain” unless ironically in which case, ok, very funny. As queer people we have a chance to be fun and different, so I like to experiment with pet names for my other half like “bastard”, “won’t bottom” and “really intense guy who I met three months ago and am too cowardly to boot out of my life”. Nah, jokes, I’m single, can you tell?
2. Open relationships?!?
So there is always A LOT of chat about this in gay circles (and we’ve all been in a gay circle amirite 🤪) and whether there is something about the gay condition (trying to think of a ‘gay condition’ to make this a joke: scurvy (has the word ‘curvy’ in it)?; pneumonia (has the syllable ‘moan’ OR sounds a bit like ‘new money’, which is gay, somehow)) that makes us more ‘prone’ (like the way I’m lying right now) to being in open relationships. For what it’s worth obviously gay people aren’t genetically predisposed to being with more than one partner, but clearly if you tell people they’re weird then they’ll make their own rules. I for one think open relationships can be great and you should go for them but, speaking of rules, you gotta be clear on what they are…
3. Communication is key.
But also too much can be a drag. I was in a relationship with a lovely guy but he wanted to talk about the relationship and ‘where we were’ like every day? And I was like honestly I’m exhausted. Especially because I’m an English rose and incapable of talking about my feelings. Nah not really. I’m not a rose. I’m a Venus Fly Trap . But surely anyone feels awkward being asked how they feel like 24/7? Find a way that works in your relationship but comms should be relatively frequent and open and honest. No one likes a cheater. Unless the guy is hot. JOKES!
4. Top or bottom?
This is a weird one and it’s awkward but I genuinely think you wanna think carefully about this before diving into a relationship. I’m a vers boi (no, not a verse boy, that’s Shakespeare!! And he was def a bottom anyway HAHAHA) and I was in a relationship with someone who hated bottoming and after a while I have to admit that dry-humping his bum started to get really annoying. I guess we could have considered making the relationship open (point 2) but there were other serious flaws in the relationship anyway LOL (none to do with me; I’m perfect). So, I guess my point is, have a think about anal sex and whether you give or take it is a deal breaker – or just a bum-breaker .
5. REMINDER: You’re not straight.
And you don’t have to be. If you don’t aspire to ‘lazy Sundays’ (vomit), lunches with ‘the in-laws’ (vomit) and coupley Instagram photos (vomit-vomit), you don’t have to do those things. You can have threesomes, host Eurovision parties and dress your chihuahua in a Versace onesie. It’s called queer for a reason honey, own it.
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