Dear Zad: Failure to launch, sweatpants problems, and friends who hate your boyfriend

Dear Zad: Failure to launch, sweatpants problems, and friends who hate your boyfriend
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Dear Zad is a write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.

From Kieran

Dear Zad,

I never cum from hand jobs/ blowjobs… or in fact ANY kind of sex that isn’t penetrative, and I think it’s a little bit weird. I just got my first long-term boyfriend and I’m worried he is starting to notice. Is it something I should talk about? Is it normal, or something I should be seeing a doctor about?

Dear Kieran,

Look, at this point someone could tell me they can’t off unless they get smacked across the face by a trailer hitch and your ole Zad wouldn’t blink ~once~. And honestly, it doesn’t really matter if it is “normal” or not. It’s the reality of things, so who gives a fuck what it is!

Clearly this is either just a call to action for your boyfriend to fuck you more and suck you less, and just call a spade a spade, OR your butt could use a break. Think of it as your asshole having like one serotonin molecule left and she’s done. I know such a forbidden suggestion could get me hung on on the wall in Gilead, but it kind of sounds like you’ve lost the joy of masturbation and you may need to quit puttin’ stuff in your butt for like a hot damn minute.

Remember, your hole isn’t an interstellar vacuum, so you don’t need to throw everything up in there to disappear forever. Taking a break from penetration may reset your body to realizing it can receive pleasure in more ways than just the glamorous, standardized way.

Next thing you know, you’ll be gettin’ back that blowie bust in no time, bebby.

Love,

Your Zad

IG: @joshmayhewnyc

From Michael

Dear Zad,

I got this problem where I seem to get hard a lot while I’m in the gym. I wear sweatpants and it can become quite embarrassing! It’s putting me off from working out but I can’t seem to stop! Am I a pervert, is this normal, or do I just have a high sex drive?

Dear Michael,

In an age where people get off to licking stranger’s loads off of walls in public sex theatre’s, again I think there really is no barometer for “normal.” At this point, there’s the things that turn you on and that’s all she wrote.

In your case, the solution is pretty clear: cancel your gym membership, move to the woods, wear an oversized wrap shawl from Dress Barn, and sip coffee on the porch as you longingly stare out into the trees for the rest of your days.

And if that’s out of the question (for silly reasons like needing to keep your pension going) then just jerk off before you go to the gym. You might find that releasing the demons ahead of time helps keep you a bit less focused on making a mental flow chart of the dick prints and more on – I don’t know – your mental and physical health and wellness?

Best of luck, my lil pervert.

Love,

Your Zad

IG: @joshmayhewnyc

From JZ

Dear Zad,

I love my boyfriend a lot, and we have been together for quite some time now. But when we go out he gets really really embarrassing, and I get the feeling that all my friends really hate him and find him obnoxious. This is making things very uncomfortable between me and him, and between me and my friends. Is there anything at all I can do??

Dear JZ,

In dilemmas like these (and all dilemmas) I like to ask myself the most obvious question: What would 2007 Brittany Murphy do? Her movie character would probably handle this like any genius romcom star and tell the bartender to cut her boyfriend’s liquor pours in half without him knowing.

So if it’s the liquor that is making him the absolute worst, he will be grazing on one shot of Tito’s all night and won’t ever get to that ultimate max gay level where he’s just screaming and making your friends wanna put a screwdriver in their eye socket.

And if it the liquor ain’t the culprit, and he’s just… like that… then I hope to God that at least your guts are in utter shambles. At this point, you’ll just have to settle for using your unresolved gay trauma to manipulate the situation.

Tell all your friends that he really wants to make it work with you and he’s just to make a good impression with his boy’s friends, but him trying too hard is having an adverse effect. While they may still hate him, they will take a tinge of pity on him and in time may just learn to tolerate him more on your behalf. Hell, they may even eventually learn to become like normal gays and just try and shag him behind your back.

Problem solved, my guy.

Brittany Murphy from 2004’s Little Black Book would honestly be so proud. And so am I, sweetie baby.

Love,

Your Zad

For more shi*t talk from Zad (aka Josh) give him a follow on the Gram: @joshmayhewnyc

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