No-Nonsense Non-Monogamy: Dating factors to consider
Author: Shrimp Teeth
Exploring queerness, polyamory, and sexuality
Dating factors to consider.
There are two major dating factors that determine if I invest in developing a relationship or move on.
My favorite trait is initiative. My fuck-no trait is playing games.
These factors are particularly and specifically relevant for lesbians due to gender dynamics.
Initiative means that I’m not the only one reaching out and making plans. I have no problem asking people out on dates, but it’s a turn-off when I’m the only one putting in effort. If you can’t reach out, suggest hangs, or simply show reciprocal interest… I’m moving on.
Unfortunately, women are socialized to be passive or submissive in relationships, meaning that a lot of lesbians don’t feel comfortable initiating.
As a non-binary lesbian, I find it really important to date pals who’ve at least started to deconstruct these gender norms. I get some people are shy or take longer, that’s fine.
What I’m not ok with is: If you’re too uncomfortable around me to express interest, this isn’t going anywhere.
It’s hot when people are confident enough to honestly express themselves. Clarity over baby energy any day.
After a first date, if you suggest another, I’m holding you to it. If you don’t follow up, I’m out. It’s easy to say, “It was nice to meet you” and NOT make future plans if you have no intention of seeing the person again. Not everyone is into me, that’s ok, don’t “nice” lie.
Somewhat related I don’t like people who play games. Fuck you. Going back to gender roles, a lot of women are used to being chased, being deliberately coy, or flat-out deceptive. Nope. Not here for it.
I don’t want to be chasing and I don’t want to be chased. Be real. If you pull away or say you don’t want to do something (especially sexual) I’m not pushing. I respect people’s boundaries. It‘s a problem when women play the “no but yes if you keep asking” game. Fuck no. That’s sketchy- unless you’ve explicitly specified that’s what you want!
And vice versa, if I say no, you better back the fuck up. I’ve only been with a couple of women like this, but it’s so weird when women embody toxic masculinity. I have no interest in dating someone who acts like a high schooler trying to finger blast me without my consent.
Again, I understand that dating is awkward and makes people nervous. Not asking for perfection. I’m asking for people to be real. It’s so easy to tell when someone is just replicating outdated gendered relational scripts.
I’ve dated all sorts of people, now I pick them carefully. What it boils down to is clear communication. That’s what I respect.
If you don’t have enough confidence to initiate or enough integrity to be your true self, then I don’t care. I’m 30 and fucking tired. Come garden with me, oooh and awww over my apple trees or GTFO.
Sam is a sex educator and artist who explores queerness, polyamory, and sexuality through their work. She’s passionate about exploring ways to broaden relationship structures to foster more connections between people. They use art and illustration as part of their education process.
No Nonsense Non Monogamy is brought to you by GLUE.
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I’ve had three cups of coffee, two bowls, one gay, zero water. I’m ready to fist fight God or wrangle a giraffe. Happy Saturday.— Sam’s Cat (@lobsterfangs) June 4, 2022