Dear Zad: age gaps, eating a*s, and being the only gay in the village

Dear Zad: age gaps, eating a*s, and being the only gay in the village

Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.

Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below! 


 

Anon in nyc:

Dear Zad,

There’s a guy at work who is really hot and flirts with me but he’s 25 and I’m 37, which is a pretty huge gap in terms of maturity. I’m not the type to smash without catching feelings and feelings for someone where it’s never gonna work is asking for trouble, so I should just stay away… right?

 

Happy Tuesday, my fellow NYC bbe!

You have an extremely rare gift that most gays (and, well, people in general for that matter) completely lack – and that’s foresight! The fact that you know damn well ahead of time that once you’ll turn into a psycho once you smash up some guts is an example of eMoTionAL gRoWtH. Be proud that you can still control the outcome! And let the control to say no make you a powerful, untouchable zen being on a higher gay plane of reality. Sort of like edging, but your payoff will be self worth instead of just some tired mid-twenties bussy.

Either way, congratulate yourself. Besides, let’s be honest – sometimes a lifelong flirtation can be more validating that just a lacklustre trip to pound town. Spare yourself the misery and the games when you already know how this will go down, and remember: when in doubt, masturbation is your friend.

Love,

Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc

 

 

Anon in Barnsley U.K. 

Hey Zad. 

There are literally no gays where I live. I’m 32 and I can’t help but feel like I’ve missed out/ am missing out on just normal gay life. I’ve been single forever, I have no gay friends. I could move but going to a big city is just so expensive. I feel like I lost my 20s to being in the closet I don’t wanna lose my 30s too. 

Hello in Barnsley!

Ah yes, just a small town gurl – livin’ in a lonely (hetero) world. I think it’s pretty easy to feel like the fun and fabulous gay life is passing you by; especially since the LGBTQ stories that sell in media are often the shinier, glitzier ones that follow the more “cosmopolitan” offerings in the community.

But to put things in perspective, I personally did not feel like I even hit my stride until WELL into my 30s. In fact, at 25 I felt exhausted and totally washed up… like I’d lived an entire lifetime already. I had no clue that I hadn’t even *started* yet, and I have to laugh now when I think back to how many hours of my life I spent worrying about this very thing. 

Point being: it is crucial not to lose faith in how much time you have ahead and what you can do with it, and to know that so many of your absolute BEST years are still in front of you. Set some realistic goals, work on them as you can, and be kind to yourself if you fu*k a few things up along the way.

Good luck, baby! I just know that one of these days Ima see you posted up in a leather swing upside down on a Pride parade float getting fed grapes and poppers. The best is yet to come!

Love,

Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc

 

 

Anon in Salt Lake City 

Dear Zad. My boyfriend wants me to eat his ass. I literally can’t think of anything worse. But I let him eat mine. Am I selfish? 

 

Okay baby, first of all: Eating ass in 2021 is nearly as much a routine expectation as getting a COVID vaccination. At this point the bouncer may as well be checking for your ass-eating card at the door of the bar.

 

I think it’s safe to say that one of the main things that allows a relationship to work is making concessions for the other. And you guessed it, by concessions I don’t being getting them Sour Patch Kids at the Regal Cinemas. We are talkin’ eating they booty even though it may feel squeamish. TRY. IT. 

 

Entice him ahead of time with a gentle  about “getting ready” so that he can get himself prepared for it. Not only will that feel sexy for him, but it will also make things way more fun on your end. And then that said, don’t fear the hole *godlike music plays.* It is one of God’s most prolific creations. BUT!.. Ya just gotta commit. One of these nights just go all in, and really treat his lil pucker bud like one of those sketchy all-you-can-eat Sushi buffets that I know you lowkey stan for. 

 

The bottom line: (hehe) Rather than focusing on what you don’t like, focus on how much he is loving it along the way. You may just find that how turned on he gets will astronomically outweigh any discomfort you have.

I believe in you baby, but sometimes ya just gotta buckle down and go the hole way. 

Love,

Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc

 

For more from Zad (aka Josh), he’s on Instagram right here Submit your own dilemmas in the box below…

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