Dear Zad: How to meet men, the quarantine body, and getting over an ex

Dear Zad: How to meet men, the quarantine body, and getting over an ex
Author: Josh Mayhew

Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.

Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below! 


Anon in Utah

Hi, so I’ve been single for like 2 years already and so far I find it not so bad but then I think of old times with my ex and I start to get a bit sentimental. I try looking for people even its just a simple friend thing but I don’t even know if I’m their type and most of the time they turn out to be stuck up. Are there other methods I can use to meet new men? Thanks so much.

Hello, pumpkin!

Two things. Whenever you get sentimental over your ex, remember that you’re really just micro-dosing exclusively on the good memories; tiny lil snapshots of when things weren’t bad. In those moments it’d probably safe to say you ain’t rememberin’ all the shit times that likely related to why you broke up. Don’t be fooled – a broken heart is a master of illusion, bbe -it’s like the minecart level in Donkey Kong. (Yeah, she’s that old.)

 

As far as for ways to meet new men, I won’t sit here and tell you that meeting a man is as simple as blustering into an artisanal bakery to escape a snowstorm and then spilling your oat milk peppermint swirl-fuck latte all over some handsome stranger with Disney prince hair. No one can drop a google maps pin to find where the green flags dwell. (That feature won’t be available until the iPhone 42S.G.X.Max.onPrep.jpeg.) 

 

But what ya *can* do is keep getting comfy with yourself. Remember that while your singleness and freedom is a factual state of being, you’re the one who decides if that is a failure or a tremendously great opportunity, sweetie baby. As a white Peloton girl from Portland named Chasity might say in her IG caption: “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as *we* are.”

 

She ain’t wrong tho. No d is big enough to fill the void of a person who is unhappy with themselves, so get right with that first and watch the rest fall into place. 

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


Anon in Sheffield

Hey Zad, I’ve let my body get out of control over quarantine and I am working on it. I’m a thicc guy, but it’s not attracting guys and it’s making me sad. I’d genuinely love to date again but I feel constantly judged by these vicious queens. What do I do?! PS: Obsessed w you! 

Xoxo,

Scottie

Well zamn, Scottie! I’m honored that you dig the column. (I’d send you an 8×10 signed photo of me candidly resting my chin on my hand that you absolutely did not ask for, but alas: supply chain issues.)

 

When it comes to the constant judgment by vicious queens, entertain me for a moment: consider less about what they think of you, consider about what you are thinking of them. Because let’s be real, whether I walk into a bar giving my 600 pound quarantine life OR Emily-eating-only-cheese-cube-before-Paris-because-she’s-wearing-Valentino, that type of behavior is a turn off! End of story. If they are going to act this repulsively over a couple extra pounds (that were gained literally during a pandemi lovato!), I honestly wouldn’t even care at that point if they wanna fuck wit or not. And neither should you! Because that’s clown shit. Bottom line: bone structure starts to look less good when you’re a prick.

 

And lastly… it kinda sounds like you’ve done the hardest part: starting the journey back to being Scottie’s best self. I’d say make sure you celebrate that a lil bit, continue focusing on your wellness/goals, and don’t forget to be patient and consistent. This time should be about YOU, not about any of these other dumbass gay kids from the Midwest who probably do Wicked for their audition songs. 

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc


Anon in Montreal

Dear Zad,

I’m dying for some insight on how to get over someone in a “healthy” way… and not by coping poorly/suppressing feelings. My self worth has become total shit, so I already know that learning to re-love myself is also an important part. HALP!

Hey, love bug.

I’m sorry things feel shitty rn. 

From personal experience, getting over someone has always come down to two things: 

1- remembering that closure is something you get from yourself – not someone else.

2- becoming addicted to the enjoyment of being single/free. 

 

​Seeking closure in the past for me always really came down to just wanting my ex to do the heavy lifting of my recovery process. A vague hope for them to say that one perfect thing that would be an antiseptic ointment for my breakup wounds. But, like a Sex and the City reboot, it always seems like a good idea and then ends up more nightmarish than you can ever imagine. Continuing to contact them or stalk them online leaves us feeling worse than we did before. (but now with new things to obsess over) Remember: If the overall situation made you feel awful, seeking closure by reopening it would be insanity.

 

​I feel like we sometimes don’t appreciate our single periods because instead of using them to get a grip and become ourselves again, we spend them hung up on something that is gone or hasn’t come yet. Imagine if you could dedicate all of your time to being that bitch (as the kids might say), or exercising your way to that fat ass you always wanted, or fixing shitty friendships, OR most importantly – being able to select a Thai restaurant for dinner without it turning into an episode of Judge Joe Brown. Heaven forbid, right? 

If it comes, let it. If it goes, let it.

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc

 

For more from Zad (aka Josh), he’s on Instagram right here Submit your own dilemmas in the box below…