Don’t stop being needy. Your needs for intimacy within your relationship are 100% normal, ok, healthy, and appropriate. Whether we’re talking about time together, expressions of love, or sex – having needs is a fundamental aspect of all relationships.
Most people feel shame for their needs. As a result they withhold, withdraw, and do not prompt the people in their life for what they seek. The result is both internal and external contempt that eventually leads to resentment and disconnection.
If you’re a relational person, not expressing your needs is without a doubt getting in your way. Figure out why and where you learned it. It’s usually a mixture of family, culture, and self-protection in the face of relational fear.
Neediness often gets confused with self-centeredness, a lack of gratefulness, and/or the inability to satisfy. It can also be confused with anxiety, dysregulation and the inability to be soothed.
Have needs and express them but do not do so whilst disregarding the needs of others. Being needy doesn’t have to be at the expense of someone else’s reality, your own independence, mutual respect, or any other relational boundary.
Often the label of ‘needy’ or ‘clingy’ is doled out by folks who are distant and/or avoidant. Other times the labels are a result of a mismatch in personality and/or differing needs. Start sharing your needs and only seek partner’s who can fulfil them.
I googled “its ok to be needy” and there were pages of articles “how to stop being needy” “how to be less clingy.” I got an instant migraine.
We all have needs and need to need! In fact, I’m more concerned when someone says they don’t have needs, don’t seek closeness or intimacy.
Todd Baratz is a licensed personal and couples psychotherapist, podcast host, and writer who specializes in relationships and sex.
D’bunked strips down the myths surrounding gay sex, intimacy, relationships and love and is brought to you by The GLUE.