D’BUNKED: What To Do With Conflicting Sex Schedules In a Relationship
Todd Baratz is a licensed personal and couples psychotherapist, podcast host, and writer who specializes in relationships and sex.
D’bunked strips down the myths surrounding gay sex, intimacy, relationships and love and is brought to you by The GLUE.
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This is one of the most conflictual, scary, and upsetting challenges I see couples deal with. Many even decide to end their relationship over differing levels of desire.
First, keep in mind that sex isn’t just fucking and getting off. For many people sex, being touched, desired is SO MUCH MORE. It can feel like the biggest expression of love – it can be enough to reinforce a connection when other things are lacking. Don’t underestimate how powerful of an impact sex can have.
First, something to think about is – were you ever sexually connected in the first place? I see many people who have good sex at the beginning because it’s new and exciting – not because it’s erotic, hot, and fun. Then the novelty wears off and a boring sexual routine remains – not a connection around what is erotic, hot, exciting, and fun. This is a good place to start for most couples. If you already know everything about your partner’s sexuality (or your own) fine but i doubt it. Start with curiosity and discovery. There are apps, questionnaires, online sex courses (like mine but they are everywhere if you don’t wanna do mine but you should).
1. Accept that its normal – it happens – not cause for alarm. When you’re with someone 24/7 for years – you will not desire them as much as you did the first month you were dating.
2. Negotiation is a must. Sex or the lack thereof is a couples issue – if one makes a unilateral decision to disengage sexually understand that this will impact your partner – massively .
3. talk about it – make it less scary – USE HUMOR (so important).
4. come up with strategies (e.g. the high desire partner can go masturbate if the low desire isn’t in the mood and/or the low desire partner can provide an alt time that they can commit to hooking up).
5. Become intentional about the times you DO have sex – make it memorable (e.g. schedule it, create outrageous amounts of anticipation, move the furniture out of the way lol and more).