Dear Zad: Sugar Daddies, Bottoming, and Reasonable Jealousy.

Dear Zad: Sugar Daddies, Bottoming, and Reasonable Jealousy.

 

Dear Zad,

I left daddy because he kept reminding me that the age gap won’t work. Right decision?

Hello sweetie baby,

Leaving your sugar daddy? In this economy?! Never forget that daddy knows best – and he is absolutely right in this case as well – but clearly your parents never taught you fiscal responsibility. But as both your Zad *and* your financial advisor, I have to confidently tell you that now is the time to avoid three things: extravagant purchases, starting a new business, and quitting your side hustle as a human cum receptacle. So I would firmly recommend picking up an edible arrangement, sugar scrubbing your hole, and getting back on that horse at least until the markets start evening back out. And then yes, leave as quickly as possible before the relationship devolves into an emotionally toxic wasteland or he replaces you with a younger, dead-eyed insta-ho with lacquered nails and a fatter ass.

 

Dear Zad,

I dream of bottoming but it always hurts. Any thoughts?

Hello sweetie baby,

Remember that it is anal penetration, not a couples hot stone massage at a yoga retreat – a little pain is part of the game. But trust me when I tell you that letting a guy blow your back out will ultimately hurt way less than the feeling of spending your best years in a sexless exile to the land of misfit bottoms. Also, in today’s day and age if you wanna land a man, you gotta fork over your little seashell *first* before you can focus on your five year plan of buying a cottage in Provincetown with your husband and turning your French bulldog into an Instagram prop. So if you are also looking to eventually land a man, bottoming is a fear you have to actively overcome. Shit or get off the pot, but that said we will save douching for another time.

As far as the mechanics go, keep a light diet on a day where you could potentially get railed, make sure he has the human decency to warm up your engine properly, make sure to breathe out and relax everything, and commit ahead of time to move into it instead of recoiling away from it. And then, lo and behold, you may just see the face of God if the dick ain’t trash. Remember: you’re the one with all the power. So step into it! Or in this case, push back on it! Good luck, and remember to send your ole Zad a cringey Christmas card with your man when all your dreams come true.

 

Dear Zad,

I found a photo on my bf’s phone of another guy’s dick but no evidence he cheated. What do I do?

Hello sweetie baby,

In the silver lining sense, it can be argued that in 2021 it is way better to find a dick pic on his phone rather than gonorrhea discharge coming out of his pee hole. BUT, in the spirit of diplomacy I am sorry that this happened to you, muffin. The only level-headed and healthy solution is a very simple 3 step process. 1. Go back into his phone (since your scary Fatal Attraction ass already does), 2. Take the dick pic and make it is his profile photo on Instagram and Facebook, and splatter it across his stories. DM it to his mom if the spirit moves you. 3. When he gets banned from all the platforms, confront him during a fancy, high-stakes dinner scene in front of his entire family like in a 1998 Cameron Diaz movie. Within three minutes, years of repression and trauma should work themselves out everything will fall perfectly into place before dessert. Magnifique *French chef kiss*