5 straight-up gay ways to… quit your job
Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian and a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
Alright, full disclosure… I got fired from being a teacher after *one* term for pulling sickies, soooo I can speak about “quitting” a job with some experience. Here’s some GAY ways to do it.
1) Pull really obvious sickies.
This is suuuchhhh a good one. I pulled a big sickie – skipped a parents’ evening to do a comedy gig. There was, obviously, a big digital footprint of me doing the gig, so I got found out and fired. What’s the gay element? Well in my disciplinary hearing they asked whether “these accusations have come from a place of homophobia” and I didn’t say no… didn’t save me though and I still got dunked.
2) Hand in your notice.
This is actually super hetero, so I would advise against it, but I guess you could just…quit?? Ideally though it would be for a nice gay reason like ‘there’s no shower at work so I can’t douche’ or ‘the cleaner keeps assuming my poppers bottle is room odoriser’.
3) Work really badly.
This is a super gay option I think because presumably you work for a “straight company” so actually withholding work is a form of queer resistance. Ways of working badly: don’t answer emails or if you do, sign off “have a gay old day”; get/give a blozza in the bogs (more in the category “sackable offence” than “working badly” tbf); call in sick the Monday after Eurovision, Pride, your birthday, the anniversary of losing your gay virginity, your cat’s name day etc.
4) Drop a clanger on a Zoom call.
This is so #pandemicchique and I think it’s a really good option. Turn your microphone on and just lay into your boss while they’re addressing the entire company. Make it gay by pretending you’re mid-convo to a sub-group and looooads of other ppl are in on the bitching. This will make your boss feel unwelcome & unpopular and even more likely to fire you, so a win-win!
5) Claim homophobia and run.
My friend wanted out of his contract with a comedy agency. They said “you can’t it’s a contract!” And he said “when I joined you said ‘this is great, we need a gay act’, how would you like it if I made that public info”. Huge huge work from them. But seriously homophobia works against us in all sorts of ways so if you get a chance to manipulate it, please do!