Dear Zad: Top problems, DM etiquette, and revenge
Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below!
D***d in Montreal writes:
I’m a top, but I also like giving oral sex. Sometimes bottoms I speak to are all into me until they discover this, and then they get turned off because they tell me that tops aren’t supposed to like the D. Although some are more blunt than others, they usually imply that I’m not masc enough for them because of that. Is this a thing? And if so, how do I manage these situations?
*First off*, sucking di*k doesn’t make you masculine or feminine. It makes you gay. It also isn’t your responsibility to worry about their fEEdBaCk on your preferences, because it is literally about as worthless as the single ply toilet paper at your job. Their opinions are their concern, and what you’re interested in is yours. And “that’s with a period!” As the kids say.
If someone don’t want you messin’ with their junk in the sack then fine, that’s their prerogative. But if they are going to sit there and tell you that that’s a problem with YOU, then that’s when I’d be taking their Strand tote bag and dusty ass converse sneakers and tossin’ all that shit out out of my apartment. And you should do the same. 😉
Nothing like a good deep clean of all the internalized homophobia in your apartment to get your place disinfected and back into ship-shape. Keep doing what you want, and let these bottoms keep chasing tops who spend the entire hookup trying not to raise their voice above a C7 octave.
Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc
Ca****n in Nashville writes:
This is more of an etiquette question, but is there an accepted rule when it comes to replying to DMs? For instance, when I post a gym pic or something that I post when I’m feeling my oats, I will get some reacts and direct messages. Should I feel obligated to double tap each reply? I don’t want to send any wrong messages, but I also don’t want to seem like a dick. Is there a good rule of thumb here?
Yeah baby here’s your rule of thumb: you ain’t owe nobody shit! Any type of response you give anyone should be because you want to. End of story, boo.
Social media makes us more accessible than ever before, and that can lead to a pretty randomly intense pressure for those who care about what others think of them. Operative phrasing here: for those who care. Because here’s the insane, only moderately surprising M. Night Shyamalan movie twist: you don’t actually have to care! I know… it is absolutely wild to think. But you can quite literally ignore any stranger you please and never be labelled as “in the wrong.”
Why? Because even though no one talks about boundaries on social media, everyone is aware that they exist and that they are different for everyone. It ain’t a one-size-fits-all condom. (Sidebar baby: if you don’t know what a condom is, look it up on Urban Dictionary and catch your head exploding. The kids these days will never believe it.)
Therefore, consider your version of your own boundaries valid and your get-out-of-jail-free card. Besides, anyone that complains about someone leaving them on Read looks like the crazy one every single time, trust and believe. Think about it. If anything, the issue is ultimately less about you being a conceited dick and more about why they are getting triggered by being ignored. And that ain’t none of my or your gaht-damn business, and ain’t none of us qualified to unpack *that* bag of gummy worms.
The bottom line: How you choose to interact with attention on the internet is completely up to you. However, if public perception matters to you and you want some peace of mind, then try this:
Before you post your next “casually visible penis line while taking your sunglasses off poolside at your friend’s cabana in West Hollywood” pic, I would plan a lukewarm ‘stock reply’ you can send out to all the little sweetie babies that wanna share the love with you. That way, you express gratitude while still staying inside whatever your particular comfort zone is.
Good luck, and on behalf of the gay community, we look forward to more of your spicy work.
Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc
D****n in Fort Lauderdale writes:
Zad, I’m beyond pissed. I won’t get into the details, but I just had a terrible falling out with my roommate and friend. What began as a great living situation ended up in a petty, squabbling, anger-filled ending and now we have gone our separate ways. The problem is… I’m still PISSED. We each have our feelings on how things went down, but it infuriates me to think that he walks around his life feeling like he is right!
We know a lot of mutuals, and to be honest I am two seconds away from really blowing up his spot. I know they say revenge is bad, but I’m embarrassed to say that this situation is eating me alive and I feel like seeking some justice may alleviate the pain a bit. Would it be that bad to drag his name through the mud a little bit?
Oooooh boy… listen sweetie baby, do not even get me started on the 50 foot long list of petty things I have done in the past when I’ve been hurt. In another life, I might have been full Regina-George-tossing-flyers-
But as time has gone, I’ve realized something sort of hilarious about revenge that you may want to consider as you proceed.
First, it tends to only really “work out” in movies. They are built into a script, fit a formula, and provide satisfaction to the character and in-turn, the audience. There is a lesson learned, a dramatic resolution, and everyone walks out of the theatre cleansed. I obviously don’t need to tell you this, but life just ain’t like that. In fact, I cannot think of a single time I sought vengeance that went well, lol. Like, at all. In fact, it never even left me feeling better. Things got twisted, complicated, and downright wild at times. Scary, even! People in situations like that don’t act like screen-written movie characters, trust and believe.
Listen. You are justified in how you feel… you are hurt. It is a valid feeling which you are entitled to. The shitty part is, they are also entitled to their feelings as well. I know, I know, I KNOW. Knowing that sucks the hairiest balls on earth.
Try and focus on the lesson you’ll take from this, and let the rest go. Maybe you’ll ask different interview questions with your next roommate. Maybe you’ll make them sign a sub-lease. Maybe you’ll make a point to not get so emotionally invested on the front end. You have the chance to be better and do better next time.
Either way, you minimize scarring when you don’t rip the scab off to satisfy one stupid itch. And next time you’ll keep your hand away from the stovetop. Bottom line: it may be best to let things just be and (heaven forbid) allow this asshole to make you a better person. That’s revenge in and of itself, because jealous bitches hate glow-ups.
Boring, I know… but I will take boring with a side of mental peace any damned day.
For more from Zad (aka Josh) himself, he’s on Instagram right here! Submit your own dilemmas in the box below…