5 straight-up gay ways to… embrace the SUN
Author: Mark Bittlestone
Mark Bittlestone is a stand-up comedian. He is also very gay man. Just a very gay man, doing a lot of straight-up gay stuff.
Sooooo I live in the UK and (famous last words) it seems like summer is finally here.
Although now I’ve said that it will probably disappear, like my ex when I told him I loved him. To be fair though, I must remember he didn’t disappear because I told him I loved him but because I slept with someone else. But whatever, I digress. THE SUN!!!! Gay ways to get involved in that. Here are my top 5 tips…
1) Short shorts.
Of all the many GS’s (Gay Signifiers) I really, truly believe that short shorts are the most reliable. I am currently wearing the TINIEST piece of blue fabric on my legs and if my penis was anything approaching normal size it would be poking out at the bottom. I just cannot see a straight man wearing anything close to this, in all honesty. So yeah, short shorts are a super gay way to embrace the sun.
2) Shirt off.
On the other hand, this is quite a hetero way to embrace the sun (think: England soccer fans abroad) but it can be done in gay way – if you’re careful. First of all, wear short shorts (see point 1). Second, tuck the floral shirt you’ve taken off into the waistband of said short shorts. Third, have a tattoo that says “I’m Gay” on both your chest and your back. Never fails!
I swear every picnic group in my local park has that one gay guy who is utterly crunk and screaming at the top of their voice. In fact, if you stripped out all the background noise from parks and just captured the voices of these gays you could make an absolutely demented chorus. They’re always screaming stuff like “Bethany you’ve always hated cucumber you stupid cow” and “I like boys but I don’t LIKE them”. So yeah, get crunk at a picnic.
Again, a very gay space (although a straight friend pointed out to me that I have claimed literally everything as “gay culture” at this point) but think about it: short shorts (again), ice-cream all over your face, little buckets and spades, IT’S SO GAY. My advice is to go to the beach and be a complete fucking bitch. There’s nothing gayer than kicking over a child’s sandcastle (or just kicking the child tbh), telling the idiots next to you the answer to the crossword clue they “just cannot get” (it’s “odour” you fucking morons, how ironic that you couldn’t get that) then doing a really visible pee (or, quite frankly, shit) in the shallows.
5) Stay indoors.
Shut the shutters, close the curtains, wind in the windows; belch your burps, fart your farts, embrace your bogeys. Who cares about the sun? You don’t! Watch Legally Blond then have a wank. That’s just as legitimate a use of the day as any of points 1-4. I’m not gonna be an arsehole and point out that Vitamin D is really good for you because you’ve got Grindr for that amirite! (This is a joke about “D” for any idiots reading this). So yeah, staying in is gay too xxx