Dear Zad: Intimacy problems, dealing with a low sex drive and piggy desires
Dear Zad is a write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
***Zad is more of a bitchy office colleague than an actual advice person, so we recommend that his top tips be interpreted much like Zad himself: with a hint of sarcasm, a dash of whimsy, and a double helping of WTF***
What if I’m dead inside and incapable of human intimacy?
This one makes me chuckle, since literally no one within the most recent 3 generations are capable of “healthy intimacy.” And as far as being dead on the inside, you have some time before you really need to figure that shit out because it’s ~way~ on trend right now. It’s cool to be himbo, to be baby, to be dumb as rocks, to be Lana, to be nothing more than a puckering hole and dead soulless eyes in a golden hour IG pic. No one wants sUbSTaNCe! The f*ck you think this is, 1955? No. Embrace the nothingness, because ultimately nothing matters. In a hundred years no one will ever even care that you were alive or remember you, and earth as we know it will be just one volcanic, uninhabitable mud-slide.
Besides, your inner death is protecting you from feeling any sort of emotional pain, either, which is ultimately a fantastic thing. All the stress and cortisol spikes that come from heartbreak will truly wreck your looks forever. And if you’re gonna be here for just a single speckle in time, you may as well at least look your best.
How can I get my BF (whose sex drive is low) to have more sex?
All I can tell you is that his low sex drive is either because of you or because of him, and so you gotta figure out what’s what.
Ramp up your sexiness around the house and see how he responds. Think Renee Russo in the Thomas Crown Affair. Or Maggie Gyllenhaal in Secretary. If you don’t get those references, then I will gladly accept that I’m 157 years old and simplify it for you: stick your butt in his face like you’re a dirty house cat. If that doesn’t get him in the mood, then he is one hundred percent a machine created by the government to spy on you and report back your browser history.
The other, less fun option, is that he’s gettin’ full up on neighbourhood side pieces and isn’t leaving anything for baby. And if that’s the case, you are well within your rights to turn his privacy into a romantic comedy for your entertainment: employ your gaggle of gays to launch a full scale private investigation. Impede on his day-to-day activities with a series of charming mishaps. Put your friends in slutty cater waiter outfits and cause a scene in front of all his colleagues at a company function.
In a final scene on the shitty terrace of a gay bar, he will admit that your efforts to win his attention turns him on and he’ll pummel you out to your heart’s desire. Or he will think you are a total psycho bottom and dump you. But you know what they say about risks: if you win you’ll be happy, if you lose, you’ll be wise!
I have the perfect partner, but sometimes a crave someone who treats me like a pig. What should I do?
Oy. The ultimate gay dilemma. The desire for a man with a house full of healthy plants and a spectacular credit score, but you also wanna be choked out until you’re borderline comatose. It’s just the gay way, and certainly nothing to feel bad about.
Your intonation suggests that y’all are monogamous, or else instead of writing to me you’d already be laying in a pee trough somewhere. And if that is the case, the next time you are feeling a certain type of way: have a little “me” time, if you know what I’m sayin’. Once those lil’ horn demons escape your brain and you aren’t that same person anymore, you may find that the fantasies of him treating you like you’re useless might just get pretty quickly replaced by some old-world things like eMotIONaL StABiLiTy and “connection.” You may discover that certain urges are simply that, and nothing more.
Of course, the big twist in all of this is that your current partner could up and surprise you. But! – You may just need to take the lead a bit during sex. Guide him a lil bit. The worst he could say is no and then go balance his chequebook. Who knows – maybe after all this time, with just a little ingenuity, you might just find that your perfect little Williams Sonoma boyfriend is also capable of degrading you and slappin’ ya around like a useless object every now and again.
For more shit posting from Josh, check him out on Instagram @joshmayhewnyc