Dear Zad: Sexual inexperience, managing an Onlyfans, and sh*t talking friends
Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below!
M***n from Salt Lake City writes:
My level of sexual experience is nearly zero. (I grew up pretty religious, and unfortunately came out much later than many other gays do.) Problem is… I just started seeing this new guy who is very experienced sexually. Very. You name it and he’s done it… I’m talking threesomes, heavy kink play, orgies. Even though he doesn’t say it, I think he wishes I’d do a lot more in bed. He wants to be in a monogamous relationship with me, but I can’t help but think that gays will be gays and he will get bored with me. Should I just get over it or bring it up?
Happy Tuesday, sweetie baby!
I may have flunked every math course in school, but mathematically speaking you basically always have a 50/50 chance of having the bigger dick, the better body, the fatter ass, or more overall experience. And that should be part of the thrill! The fact that everyone gets a turn at being more this/that than the other guy can bring a sense of comfort. It is truly the circle of gay life. And here’s the big secret about who has more experience: no * one * cares * !
Never forget what got you into bed with this guy in the first place: chemistry! Something not everyone has, regardless of prowess. In terms of what you each bring to the table, own yours and enjoy his.
Also, it seems pretty encouraging that he still wants to bang you out exclusively even though you don’t know your ass from your elbow in the sack. It could mean that he’s actually really into you, and that he doesn’t need or expect acrobatics. Hell, he may even like it better that he gets to show you how it’s done!
So my advice: if you’re so worried about him getting bored and bringing a third into the relationship, make sure you aren’t doing the same thing with your insecurities. Turn off those thoughts, and just focus on the sensations. That’s sort of the point, right?
Your Zad. IG: @joshmayhewnyc
J**n in Los Angeles writes:
My co-worker has been making passes at me for quite some time now, and I have never expressed interest beyond being simply colleagues. Problem is, he just discovered that I have an OnlyFans as a side hustle. We work for a pretty conservative company, so I’m worried that if I don’t reciprocate some of his advances then my company will “find out” that one of their best employees is also a sex worker.
Well, sweetie baby, the bad news is that this is deffffinitely extortion. Lol. The good news – hurray – is that this is extortion!! It’s a felony! So yeah, let’s consider who really has more power here. You may be getting railed on camera, but he’s the one who could end up really f*cked.
And as your sweetie Zaddie, you know that my strongest spiritual belief is that nearly every situation can be resolved in the style of a romcom made between 1998-2004. That said, there is 100% a way to get ahead of this.
Tell your co-worker that, in a gay frenzy, you came clean to your boss about your Onlyfans. And that this didn’t bother him nearly as much as there being a sexual predator on the payroll making passes at other employees. Tell him that you truly hope that he gets the help that he needs, that you will give him a chance to improve these behaviours before going to HR, and then offer a 10% discount code to your Onlyfans if an organic moment to do so arises.
I think you’ll find that the whole issue gets dropped pretty quickly, you can continue your film career worry-free, and just continue being the little starlet that you are.
Also, drop that link, pls.
Your Zad. IG: @joshmayhewnyc
P**r in London writes:
Every weekend at brunch, the conversation almost always switches to trash-talking people we know. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a little shade-throwing between friends, but this past Sunday it got so nasty and personal that I pretty much just shut down completely. Is there a way to deter my friends from this behaviour without becoming the preachy, holier-than-thou bitch in the group?
I don’t know a lot about a lot of things, BUT… one of the greatest lessons you will ever learn is when to literally just keep your f**kin mouth shut. I have learned that there are some people who adapt trash-talking as their entire personality. Why? Who knows. Maybe they don’t know what else to talk about. But pay attention.
I knowww, shit-talking is one of the historical bonding cornerstones of gay culture and can bring us together in some ways, but the line between being quick-witted/sassy and being a horrible toxic bitch is an even finer line in the gay world than the friendzone.
I’m trash just like the rest of them, but one of my best practices when shit gets a little below the belt is to just fully shut the fu*k up. Chaotic people always seem to end up with chaotic consequences, so let things play out. Maybe the person who was being talked about will find out, and you’ll be miles away from that shit storm. Stepping into the middle of the hurricane to be a social justice warrior probably won’t make them a better person, and will probably only result in you becoming their next course on the menu. Knowing when to be silent is a form of high-art.
And if your sloppy best Nancy tries to rope you in, you can always try my favourite sentence, which is: “I don’t really have an opinion about it, to be honest!” See, easy! No thoughts, just vibes. 🙂 Or, “I totally hear what you’re saying, but I don’t know enough about him to really make a call one way or another.” Besides, if he really needs your opinion so desperately at that point, he’s probably trying to use it as a life raft.
Not only will your silence keep you safe, but trust me when I tell you that your friends will ultimately feel more comfortable around you knowing that you aren’t THAT shitty girl.
No go forth, sweetie baby, and be the most sassy, witty, cun*y, non-toxic bitch you can be.
For more from Zad (aka Josh) he’s on Instagram right here!