Dear Zad: tight with money boyfriends, petty turn-offs, and feeling lonely

Dear Zad: tight with money boyfriends, petty turn-offs, and feeling lonely
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Author: Josh Mayhew

Dear Zad is a comedy write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is highly-experienced in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on Insta at @joshmayhewnyc.

Submit your problems to Zad anonymously using the box below! 


 

J**h in Manchester 

Hey Zad 

The guy I’m seeing is really tight with money. He’s constantly like asking for $2 because we bought something for $4, or like insisting the tiniest most ridiculous of things are split to the exact dime. I really like him in all other respects but this is really grating. What do I do?

Hey Josh,

 

Although this may definitely feel like a grade-A, grass fed, free-range, textbook turn-off, one of two things is likely going on here: 1- his ass really do be broke, and/or 2- something in his past got him making his spending tighter than two bottoms in a relationship. The good news is that neither of these things has a thing to do with you. (UNLESS, of course, y’all lowkey just be fu*kin’ and he feels like getting into your change purse ain’t worth goin’ into his.

 

But before you start shaking and throwing up, let’s safely assume it’s one of the first two. If he broke, he broke. Unless his Just For Fans goes viral or he goes on the Hollywood producer blowjob circuit, ain’t nothin’ gonna change. At that point it’s just about you realizing that’s how it’s gonna be and deciding if you like him enough to overlook his penny-pinching ways.

 

Now if he *can* pay for shit but he’s just somehow conditioned to be like this, a strategy could be to temporarily amp up your spending. Buy him a couple cute gifts, cover some meals, take him to a show, and put some overall visibility on the idea of being generous. When he sees that you are incurring a lot of the costs, it may send a signal that this lil piggy may wanna start reaching into his piggy *bank*, or at the very least let some of those nominal costs start sliding a little more.

 

Either way, this is gonna end up being a you thing, not a him thing. And remember: the earth is about to fling into the sun so get all the money, ass, and di*k while you can.

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc

 

 

Kai in San Fran 

Dear Zad, 

This dude at work is asking me out and he’s nice and quite funny but his dress sense is AWFUL. Like embarrassingly bad. An attempt at retro was made but it came out trampy and not in the sexy way. Am I being shallow letting this stop me? 

Dear Kai…

 

First thing’s first, you have to shag him. Today. It will be important for you to determine if he’s even worth trying to change in the first place, and if there ain’t no chemistry then you won’t have to put even a half ounce of extra work in if you don’t have to: something I’m a huge advocate for. (Doing as little as possible and expecting everything anyway.) Also, if his clothes are off during sex you’ll get a much-needed visual break from what sounds like a true assault on the LGBTQ community. 

 

Now the nitty gritty for the sweetie bebe: as far as changing him – you can’t. And you shouldn’t. If he is happy dressing like Jodie Foster from Taxi Driver, then only you can determine if he is worth it for you to just kinda deal with that. We all have shitty traits, and maybe this is his? But his freedom to dress how he wants is equally as valid as your freedom to detest it – shallow or not. 

 

Of course there is always the small art of gay persuasion: an off-chance that you can grab him a couple cute clothing gifts and then never shut up about how hot it makes him. Everyone wants to feel fu*kable, and if he knows that it will help his cause if he stops dressing like he’s turning beach tricks at Pensacola Beach, then this retro wannabe may just have a shot at some groovy love.

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc

 

 

Anon 

To Zad 

I’m lonely. I just never meet any guys and there’s no gay places where I live and I’ve exhausted the limited people online. There doesn’t seem to be a solution. Please help.

Hey sugar,

 

I’m definitely not gonna sit here and tell you to just look on the bright side, and that it ain’t rough out there. I’ve also lived in places before that weren’t so… friendly… and where the pickins were slim.

 

When you say you’ve exhausted the “limited people online” does that imply the “limited” number of people geographically close to you? Maybe on the apps? If it is connection with others in your community you seek, could that be why the apps are missing the mark for you.

I’m not saying you can’t make great connections in these spaces, but that may be a moment to lean on more content-driven spaces where you can build online friendships with people – and that’s where platforms like Instagram really get it right. (Although at this point if I post even one more meme with a porno screen grab they will literally bury my account once and for all. I’ll  finally be able to just move to the woods and do nothing but catch fish with my bare hands and scream into the sky like a maniac.) Start following some accounts with people who share your interests, and begin engaging with their stuff. You may find that letting organic friendships build online takes the edge off your loneliness a bit.

 

Now if you just want some bussy or your guts puréed and you’ve exhausted the apps, this would be time to set your sights elsewhere. While I know that moving away may feel a little ostentatious, something in the realm of cheap weekend trips to the closest cities may just help you blow off some steam periodically until you can figure out what’s next for you in the bigger picture. 

Love, Your Zad, @joshmayhewnyc

 

For more from Zad (aka Josh), he’s on Instagram right here Submit your own dilemmas in the box below…

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