Dear Zad: Ghosting, Absent Fathers and Mouth Size
Dear Zad is a write-in column where readers can seek advice from their trusted Zad on all their gay dilemmas. Please note that Zad is not a licensed or qualified counsellor, but is qualified in not sugar-coating your petty dramas when you are having a full meltdown. You can find him shit-posting on insta at @joshmayhewnyc.
Do I believe this daddy who said “I value you” but hasn’t texted since? It’s been 10 days.
I know that aCTiONs sPeaK LouDer ThAn wERdz, so I can understand your confusion over 10 days of radio silence. But before making the executive decision to burn his building down and fuck all his friends, I would begin with a little assessment. Based on your existing relationship with daddy dearest, is ten days of no contact too long, normal, or balls-to-the-wall unacceptable? Applying what you already know about this guy may provide some context, and some very obvious ways forward.
Let’s talk patterns: Is he already a disappearing act for days-on-end, except for when he wants to beat your pussy up? If so, then this latest occurrence is right on-brand, am I right? Maybe the conversation shifts to determining what his definition of value is, and how he expresses it. Conversely, if he has an established pattern of texting religiously and has now suddenly gone silent directly after proclaiming your value, then we may want to consider that he could be mummified inside of a drag queen’s closet somewhere in the Bronx. Maybe forget this possibly headless torso and start scrolling the ones on Grindr again instead.
Either way, the answer to your dilemma may already be right in front of you.
Why does getting ghosted make me want him more?
Why, you ask. Why is anything the way it is in this cruel life? The infinite Whys of ghosting are a secret of the universe that may never give us answers until we slip into the blinding nothingness of death. Now I’m no psychoanalyst, but being a queer dude from the South who knows a thing or two about being an unpopular middle-schooler, I have learned that what I’m chasing isn’t always what I’m actually after. Did 14 year old me reeeeally want a Caesar haircut, boot cut jeans, a monogrammed LL Bean backpack, or an invite to Fletcher Caldwell’s pool party? Or did I lowkey just want the sense of belonging that would come along with all of it? Maybe I just wanted to be popular because I knew that it would mean that I was less of a total gay weirdo.
So rather than asking why the ghosting makes you want him more, would a better question be: why is holding his attention important to you? Is it him you are after, or is it what his attention represents? Now am I implying that being ghosted is reflexively tethered to the belief that something is wrong with you? That you are confusing an increased attraction to him with the need to quell your self doubts? Of course not! I ain’t a goddamned expert; I’m literally out here fucking up scrambled eggs like some kind of dad in a 90s breakfast commercial. But that said, my reco here would be for your lil pussy to figure out what you’re really chasing. If it is genuinely him: great, break into his house and crawl into his bed while he’s sleeping and see if he calls the cops. If it is simply validation you need, just find someone to eat your ass like it’s a pie-eating contest and then move on.
Is my mouth too smol?
Dear sweetie darling,
Diplomatically, it would be my duty to say that you are perfect just as you are, as one of God’s precious creations. But in order to remain aligned with the 2021 philosophy that perfection is the baseline expectation and our best is never enough, I think it is fair to assume that yes, your mouth is, in fact, too smol. But from the bottom of my heart, good luck with everything tho. You’re doing great, sweetie.